so thanks to a question from my one follower (btw i love you!) i have decided to fill you (anyone else who cares or takes pleasure in my real-life soap opera) in on my history with S.
S and i met in april. i had broken up with a guy i had dated for 6 months back in january and by april i was finally content with myself and being single. (is it supposed to take 4 months after a break-up to be content with yourself again?) i was out with a couple girlfriends having drinks and S and one of his co-workers walked in and happened to sit at the table next to us. after a while something generated a conversation between the two tables and we all ended up pushing our tables together and talking. i had no idea that he was even interested in me until i went to the bathroom, came out, and there he was coming out of the bathroom as well. he "also had to use the bathroom." (yeah right creeper) so as we are walking back to our joined tables he stops me, pushes me against a wall, and asks me if i am going to give him my number. he also proceeded to say "i know you are young, but we can have fun..." (that should have been a huge red flag) so somewhat repulsed yet somewhat intrigued i ended up giving him my real number by the end of the night. what can i say, he was cute and made me laugh!
so the following couple of weeks i really tried to blow him off. after all, i was finally OKAY with being single and i didn't want another guy to swoop in and break my heart, i didn't want to even let anyone in enough to even give them the opportunity. of course, obviously, i eventually caved. he is charming and funny and just has a way of getting to me.
in the last 8 months (ugh have i really been doing this for 8 months?) we have been on a roller coaster. i have grown to be attached to this guy and he has contributed or come up with a million reasons of why we really haven't worked out. every time we get close or i act like i care too much he gets freaked out and puts on the breaks.
he has major trust issues. he has been through a lot. he still hasn't dealt with or overcome a major childhood trauma, he dated a girl for a while that completely screwed with him, his job is so stressful that he is always exhausted.... the list goes on and on. this entire time i have become more and more attached, he pulls away, i am heart broken, he ends up calling again and the entire cycle starts all over again. why do i keep doing it? because he has many qualities that i look for in a mate. also, i am female, meaning that we always want to fix things! i have this terrible need to help him. when i am with him i am constantly laughing. i am attracted to him, we have great conversations, he is well educated, great job, stable in many ways. oh yeah, and the first time i ever saw him with his 3 year old niece my heart absolutely melted - he is so good with her! also, i pretty much fell in love with his adorable parents! so these are things that keep my hanging on...
why should i let go? he drives me crazy!! he makes me feel completely inadequate! i bend over backwards for him and he still doesn't want to really be with me! (he blames it on the 70 hours a week that he works and his trust issues, also my age - i am so young i "could change my mind about him" or find someone else since i am young and have options) i know there is a huge part of me that keeps going back thinking "maybe this time it will be different, maybe this time he will realize that he wants to me with me..." besides the fact that he makes me feel like i am not good enough, the man does have issues! is it my job to deal with these issues? should i be the one to help him find clarity or should i be chasing (or being chased?) someone who doesn't have issues? there is also this huge part of me that is just hanging on to the "unknown". meaning, we have never really jumped head first into a full-on relationship. we don't, and haven't ever talked on a daily basis or been together on a regular basis, so we don't know how it would really be if we were in a real relationship...
i don't think he is a bad guy. i don't think he means to ever hurt me, but the fact is that he does/has. so i am going to write out a list of the positives and negatives, maybe if someone else sees them and is objective, they can give me some advice on whether or not to cut my losses or hang tight....???
positives
older; more "mature" - most of the guys i date that are my own age i feel like i am babysitting. i don't feel like i am babysitting with him. but really, do men ever really grow up?
great family
stable job/lawyer
well educated
wonderful sense of humor
random singing - he walks around singing random songs and it cracks me up, and somehow melts me heart
great with niece - good future father material?
sports fan
wine fan
loves to travel
well cultured
well mannered (when we needs/wants to be)
attractive/tall/great smile
great conversation
honest - has been honest with where he is with us, even if its not what i want to hear
just bought first house - but by himself, is that a good thing or a bad thing?
negatives
has hurt me - even if it wasn't intentional
doesn't feel the need to call me everyday - obviously isn't crazy about me
makes me feel inadequate
isn't ready to settle down - not even enough to have a girlfriend
29 and single - should that be a sign?
29 (going on 30) - i am 22. if/when he does want to settle down am i going to be ready? will he love me enough to make up for me giving up my "fun, single 20's" to settle down and get married? so far he hasn't shown that he would...
age difference in general - he is insecure about it. he is insecure about that others think. he is insecure that i have more options which makes me more likely to leave him if i am unsatisfied. he also gets nervous every time we order a drink and the server checks both our ids, he feels like people are judging him - get over it!
commitment issues
his job - yes it is stable but he works SO much and is so stressed by it that it makes him irritable. also, because he works so much if we were to have kids (fast forward - and yes i know it is too early to think about this but it is a factor!) is he going to really be there?
isn't really THERE for me - he would be there if i was having a crisis and called. but what about just being there daily (or even every few days) to make me smile when i am having a bad day...?
not very romantic - though he does bring me coffee to work sometimes....
so confused...any input??
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3 comments:
I think you just made me confused too! It's definetly a tricky situation. You are obviously looking for him to be in a stable relationship with you and it sounds like he is not really sure. Perhaps he is not ready to settle down and commit (Con list). Maybe he is too scared to put himself out there in fear that it may not work out. Regardless, it sounds like you guys are "friends" even though you (and maybe him) are hoping for more. I don't think I can tell you what to do, but you have to guard your heart in this situation. Do what is best for you. I think if the cards are right for you two, something will develop and it will come naturally.
Best of luck! I love my one reader too!!!
29 and single is not a sign.
I am older than that and single.
We are just selective. :)
I think you can cross 'mature' off the list. If he was truly 'mature', he wouldn't be embarrassed by the ID checking or insecure about what others think.
Here's what I told a friend of mine who was debating a guy situation: If nothing ever changed, if he never changed, if this continued for the rest of your life, would you be happy and content and be able to spend the rest of your life like this.
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