the history of s & l

so thanks to a question from my one follower (btw i love you!) i have decided to fill you (anyone else who cares or takes pleasure in my real-life soap opera) in on my history with S.

S and i met in april. i had broken up with a guy i had dated for 6 months back in january and by april i was finally content with myself and being single. (is it supposed to take 4 months after a break-up to be content with yourself again?) i was out with a couple girlfriends having drinks and S and one of his co-workers walked in and happened to sit at the table next to us. after a while something generated a conversation between the two tables and we all ended up pushing our tables together and talking. i had no idea that he was even interested in me until i went to the bathroom, came out, and there he was coming out of the bathroom as well. he "also had to use the bathroom." (yeah right creeper) so as we are walking back to our joined tables he stops me, pushes me against a wall, and asks me if i am going to give him my number. he also proceeded to say "i know you are young, but we can have fun..." (that should have been a huge red flag) so somewhat repulsed yet somewhat intrigued i ended up giving him my real number by the end of the night. what can i say, he was cute and made me laugh!

so the following couple of weeks i really tried to blow him off. after all, i was finally OKAY with being single and i didn't want another guy to swoop in and break my heart, i didn't want to even let anyone in enough to even give them the opportunity. of course, obviously, i eventually caved. he is charming and funny and just has a way of getting to me.

in the last 8 months (ugh have i really been doing this for 8 months?) we have been on a roller coaster. i have grown to be attached to this guy and he has contributed or come up with a million reasons of why we really haven't worked out. every time we get close or i act like i care too much he gets freaked out and puts on the breaks.

he has major trust issues. he has been through a lot. he still hasn't dealt with or overcome a major childhood trauma, he dated a girl for a while that completely screwed with him, his job is so stressful that he is always exhausted.... the list goes on and on. this entire time i have become more and more attached, he pulls away, i am heart broken, he ends up calling again and the entire cycle starts all over again. why do i keep doing it? because he has many qualities that i look for in a mate. also, i am female, meaning that we always want to fix things! i have this terrible need to help him. when i am with him i am constantly laughing. i am attracted to him, we have great conversations, he is well educated, great job, stable in many ways. oh yeah, and the first time i ever saw him with his 3 year old niece my heart absolutely melted - he is so good with her! also, i pretty much fell in love with his adorable parents! so these are things that keep my hanging on...

why should i let go? he drives me crazy!! he makes me feel completely inadequate! i bend over backwards for him and he still doesn't want to really be with me! (he blames it on the 70 hours a week that he works and his trust issues, also my age - i am so young i "could change my mind about him" or find someone else since i am young and have options) i know there is a huge part of me that keeps going back thinking "maybe this time it will be different, maybe this time he will realize that he wants to me with me..." besides the fact that he makes me feel like i am not good enough, the man does have issues! is it my job to deal with these issues? should i be the one to help him find clarity or should i be chasing (or being chased?) someone who doesn't have issues? there is also this huge part of me that is just hanging on to the "unknown". meaning, we have never really jumped head first into a full-on relationship. we don't, and haven't ever talked on a daily basis or been together on a regular basis, so we don't know how it would really be if we were in a real relationship...

i don't think he is a bad guy. i don't think he means to ever hurt me, but the fact is that he does/has. so i am going to write out a list of the positives and negatives, maybe if someone else sees them and is objective, they can give me some advice on whether or not to cut my losses or hang tight....???

positives
older; more "mature" - most of the guys i date that are my own age i feel like i am babysitting. i don't feel like i am babysitting with him. but really, do men ever really grow up?
great family
stable job/lawyer
well educated
wonderful sense of humor
random singing - he walks around singing random songs and it cracks me up, and somehow melts me heart
great with niece - good future father material?
sports fan
wine fan
loves to travel
well cultured
well mannered (when we needs/wants to be)
attractive/tall/great smile
great conversation
honest - has been honest with where he is with us, even if its not what i want to hear
just bought first house - but by himself, is that a good thing or a bad thing?


negatives
has hurt me - even if it wasn't intentional
doesn't feel the need to call me everyday - obviously isn't crazy about me
makes me feel inadequate
isn't ready to settle down - not even enough to have a girlfriend
29 and single - should that be a sign?
29 (going on 30) - i am 22. if/when he does want to settle down am i going to be ready? will he love me enough to make up for me giving up my "fun, single 20's" to settle down and get married? so far he hasn't shown that he would...
age difference in general - he is insecure about it. he is insecure about that others think. he is insecure that i have more options which makes me more likely to leave him if i am unsatisfied. he also gets nervous every time we order a drink and the server checks both our ids, he feels like people are judging him - get over it!
commitment issues
his job - yes it is stable but he works SO much and is so stressed by it that it makes him irritable. also, because he works so much if we were to have kids (fast forward - and yes i know it is too early to think about this but it is a factor!) is he going to really be there?
isn't really THERE for me - he would be there if i was having a crisis and called. but what about just being there daily (or even every few days) to make me smile when i am having a bad day...?
not very romantic - though he does bring me coffee to work sometimes....


so confused...any input??

....

i am so tired of the snow!

saturday...it was snowing and i decided that i was going to work. i pulled out of my garage, which is on a hill, and didn't go anywhere! to normal people that would be a sign that maybe they should turn around and go home, but not me because i am abnormally stubborn - the snow was not going to stop me! so i made it to work. throughout the ENTIRE day i watched the snow pour down. only 3 people made it into the office saturday, and they all has huge SUVs. needless to say, by the time it was time for me to leave work my car was completely buried in the snow!

so S called, (because by the way i let him win, he called and i answered) and suggested that his car worked fine in the snow and that he could come pick me up and take me to work in the morning. for some reason i agreed. of course, i woke up sunday morning to my boss telling me there was no need to come in. so, i was snowed in with S for two days! finally yesterday (monday) i decided i really needed to go home. his car was going no where, my car was (and still is) stuck in the parking lot at work.

how was i going to get home? and i HAD to get home, my brother and i planned to leave for my mom's around noon. which was completely besides the fact that i was NOT going to spend christmas with S, no way! so...i decided that i needed to ride the bus. so at 8:30 in the morning i set out! i walked down to the bus stop, which after standing there for 15 minutes in 20 degree weather i realized that it was the wrong one! waited for the bus for another 15, rode the bus. then got to the MAX station and missed the first one, waited 45 minutes for the next. rode the MAX, then walked 6 blocks to my condo. aahhh!! i was SO frozen! it sucked! though it was a terrible journey home, i have this great sense of accomplishment! i did it! i got home all by myself, in the snow!

after shoveling snow away from the garage (with cookie sheets) and what felt like off roading our way to the freeway (in my brother's tiny GTI) we finally got to the freeway and made it up north to my mom's. the normal 2 hour drive was a 5 hour drive and i thought i was going to die numerous times, but we made it!!

i hate the effing snow, it is ruining my life. i am now, once again, locked up in my mother's house. and my car is still in portland in the parking lot at work. for some reason i keep wondering if i locked my doors...

i spent 2 whole days with S and am not sure how i feel about it. we didn't talk about anything serious, which was nice but are we still off or are we on again? do i want to be on again? ugh, i think that may have been a huge mistake...

how i feel and my day....


bad day by lindsylu

home sweet home

i finally made it back to portland!! yay!! i absolutely love my mother but i couldn't take another day of the two of us being snowed in at her house. so i woke up this morning and decided i was getting on the first train i could possibly get on.

i had my dad come pick me up and take me to the train station - since his vehicle is more equipped than my mother's. he also took riley home with him to play with his dog. they love each other! he is a huge basset hound and she is this little chihuahua and she absolutely runs him! he just lays there as she gives him love bites on his big ears and lips - so funny! anyway, he took her since i can't take her on the train (boo!). and i will be back up there in a few days for christmas - i already miss her!!

so the train ride was okay. i listened to a few especially wonderful songs:

think of you - a fine frenzy
you found me - the fray
remembering sunday - all time low
warwick avenue - duffy
you be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground, i'll be the wings that keep your heart in the clouds - mayday parade

let it snow! let it snow! let it snow?

i came up north this week to spend some time with my parents. i planned on going back to portland thursday or friday so i could work this weekend but with the snow i may be stranded here!!

my mom is right and it is probably not safe to drive in such conditions but no work equals no money! STUPID SNOW!!

although inconvenient, riley seems to like it! she loves playing in it! and so does my ADORABLE nephew!!

the perfect man?

Perfect man? by lindsylu

so these are some qualities of my perfect man
(in no particular order)

funny - i need someone who can make me laugh. honestly, i am really easy when it comes to laughing, i love to laugh! so if a guy can't make me laugh that must mean that he is a total dud!
good job - its important to have a good job that is stable and allows you (and myself) to live comfortably. i don't want to struggle which is why i am going to school and plan on being successful, but i don't want to be the only carrying the weight!
well rounded - be likable!
supportive - i need someone to support me in my decisions and goals.
healthy - i don't want someone who is going to die on me anytime soon!
non smoker - gross. just gross! i don't want to be kidding an ash tray nor do i want my kids growing up thinking it is okay for them to smoke.
available - (emotionally & physically) i don't want huge emotional walls that i have to break down and i don't want someone who is too busy for me. there must be a balance
romantic - yes, yes, i am a hopeless romantic. but a random flower for no reason other than you care or a sweet little note is all i need to know one cares!
well educated - necessary for good conversations
spontaneous - don't be boring!
well dressed - i like them presentable
love for travel - i love to travel, so its important in a partner.
smells good - or i guess, just don't smell bad :)
sports lover - another common interest
wine lover – but not too much
professional - presentable
tall - what can i say, i like the tall ones

i know this list is very demanding (i also know that there are some things i left out) but that is why i said this would be the perfect man. some things are negotiable. or changeable :)

what are your ideas of the perfect man?

she said what she wants is a man to be faithful
a true heart somebody willing and able
to stay by her side through thick and thin
a tender touch every now and then

she’s not hung up on fairy tales
or some dream at the bottom of a wishing well
fancy cars or diamond rings
what she wants most are the little things

the curse continues...

it is tuesday (evening) and i am still sick! thank you mother for wishing me ill! i have practically been in bed since i got home from work sunday. it's nice to relax but it is really starting to drive me crazy! i'm exhausted but still don't want to be forced to stay in bed...

luckily, i had my big finals last week. this week i only have a take home mid term - which i turned in yesterday, a paper due tomorrow at 5pm (which i haven't even started) and a final thursday morning (at 8am - yuck!) that i really am not worried about since it is open note/open book. the paper shouldn't be difficult, but the motivation to even get started is killing me!

i just want to go back to bed - goodnight.



p.s. still thinking about him & i absolutely hate myself for it...

curse of the mother...?

i am pretty sure my mother is wishing bad things upon me....

last night i wasn't feeling very well. i assumed it was because until 7 o'clock i hadn't consumed anything but two cups of coffee and an energy drink - terrible i know, but the day got away from me, i was stuck at work! anyway, i went to bed and woke up this morning with a terrible sore throat!!

i just went home for thanksgiving and my entire family was sick! my mom has been sick the last week. well i sent my mother a text when i got to work this morning to inform her of my illness; she calls and says:

"that is how it starts! it starts as a sore throat and then turns into the flu! it is the full fledged flu! prepare to be in bed for the next FIVE DAYS!!"

wow. okay. thanks mom. i was quite disappointed. i was hoping that my loving mother would say something along the lines of "oh sweetie, are you okay? don't worry, get lots of rest and everything will be okay..." but NO!! she has to scare me! i can't afford to be in bed for FIVE days! i have a christmas party to go to tonight and finals all this coming week - ugh!!

p.s. i hate being sick...

hello heidi

thank you heidi klum for being so absolutely gorgeous!

so morgan and ashley came over last night. we all got into out sweats, read gossip magazines, complained about our lives, and watched the infamous victoria's secret fashion show.

the thing is, when i look through the catelogues i convince myself, "these photos are edited - no one looks that perfect."

the sad this is, they cannot be edited while walking down a runway. so yes, it is true, the victoria's secret models are real living creatures and it is possible for someone to look so perfect. given, they have on an abundance of make up and they have to have hair extensions (i tell myself that to feel better, but i am pretty sure they are extensions!) but they are real!

the moral of the story - ashley, morgan, and i didn't get the ice cream out of the freezer, and convinced ourselves that we need to go to the gym more!!

confusion

he called again...

last night, 10:30, on his way home from work. another "want to come over?"

this is frustrating. i told him how selfish he was the night before - how he didn't even ask me how i was. of course he just said it was because he had a lot on his mind and rushed off the phone after i said i wasn't coming over (i.e. declined sex). of course this was because he "had just gotten home and had a lot going on." right. more excuses.

i am proud of myself, i didn't cave. i sat at home, stayed in bed and cuddled with my dog. i wanted to go see him. my logic was:

1. do not let him win
2. do not start this again
3. you would only be hurting yourself
4. he will get what he wants, you will feel terrible
5. cuddle with your dog, she has never hurt you and doesn't deserve to be abandoned for someone who repeatedly hurts you

the next morning - before he got on his plane, (to go on yet anotherr vacation he can't put the time and effort into a relationship, to make it a healthy realtionship, but he does have time to run off with all of his friends - for the 5th time in 8 months - and be drunk and disfunctional and completely counterproductive in his attempt to improve himself! anyway...) he sends me a text:

"i miss you. i hope you have a great weekend! i will try and not be so selfish."

what does that even mean!?!?! selfish in the world in general? with me? what? and by the way, we said "goodbye" last week so why make promises to change now? i thought that the whole reason for the "goodbye" was because we both came to the agreement that you are not going to change - if you are not going to change, our relationship is not going to change, and this is not the relationship that either one of this want! at least this is not the relationship that i want. apparently since he is not taking the "goodbye" seriously and not making an effort to change - this is the relationship that he wants.

i thought i said goodbye so that i didn't have to think about this anymore...

thank you for making this [easier]

so after not talking to him since last week - when we said our "goodbyes" i heard from him today. I have "goodbyes" in quotes because after you say goodbye to someone, doesn't that mean that you usually do not hear from them the following week?

the last week has been really hard. i've thought about him and i have missed him and by the way, it is still hard to breathe! but it is getting better, even more now that i heard from him last night.

he called about 10:30. i was in the middle of writing a paper (the 3rd paper of the day) and he called. at first i stared at the phone thinking that i was just going to let it go to voicemail but then my curiosity got the best of me and i wondered what he had to say. i answered and am now so very happy that i did. he asked what i was doing, i replied with writing a paper. i added that it was the 3rd of the day, did he ask how finals were going or why i was swamped in school work? of course not! he proceeds to tell me that he is just leaving his office and has had the worst day, it was terrible, but the silver lining is that he finally got all his plans sqaured away for his vacation he is leaving for in a couple of days. good for you. he asks about tanning - since i have worked at a salon for the past two years (on and off), i am a pro. after that topic of course there was the inevitable question:

him: want to come over?
me: no
him: why not?
me: because i am in the middle of writing a paper. and there are a million reasons why i shouldn't
him: a million? that is a lot...
me: yes, a million, the biggest one being that i don't care to see you... (by the way i really just wanted to scream "BECAUSE YOU BROKE MY HEART!!")
him: oh come on, you haven't made any bad decisions for a while
me: yes, and i would like to keep it that way
him: okay, i am just getting home. talk to you later, bye.

seriously!?!?! did you really just call me and ask me basically for tanning and sex and then get off the phone with me? DO YOU CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL!?!?! or an even better question - DO YOU CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOURSELF!?!? there was no "how are you?", "what have you been doing?", or even "how was your thanksgiving?" NOTHING!! so i would like to thank you "mr. selfish" for making it so much easier to get over you. thank you for presenting yourself on a platter and making me realize that it is not what i want in a relationship!

finals week

"If God sends us on strong paths, we are provided strong shoes." Corrie TenBoom



If I get through this week without having a mental breakdown, I will be very impressed with myself! I have so much to do. It is literally final crunch time!