"breathing is a foreign task"

the truth is - it's over. this is over and i need to move on. i keep telling myself over and over again. this is the right thing to do. if this is the right thing to do why is it hard to breathe? it literally hurts my heart to breathe!

its a number of things. one, i care. i really care. i don't want to not have him in my life but it hurts too much to have him in my life. which hurts more? i'm not really sure... for now i just know that this is the best thing. at least while we both sort things out. he is not making progress while we keep going around in circles and the truth is, i am becoming someone who i do not, and never want to be. i have never been one to wait around for someone to call, or even cancel plans on my friends just because he wants to see me after being MIA for two weeks! i don't want to be that! i have been pathetic. i have become a door mat for him to walk all over. i am there for him whenever and however he needs me and he has never really been there for me. and when he asks, when have i needed him and when has he told me 'no'...?? the truth is that there has never really been a time that i called and he wasn't there, but i have never turned to him when i was in need. there hasn't necessarily been something absolutely awful, but it's the little things. that fact that when i am having a bad day, he isn't there to talk to. when things aren't going okay, i just need a hug or an "its okay i care" and i have never gotten that!

even if things were to work out. even if we sort things out there is still one big problem...he is older. which is not necessarily the problem, but since he is older i am certain he is ready to settle down sooner than i have always planned on. the problem being - i would be giving up a lot in order to settle down before i have planned on. this wouldn't be a big deal if he was the "man of my dreams" and it wouldn't be a problem if i knew that he even cared! the fact is that i am almost certain that he cannot, will not, and isn't even capable of loving me enough to make up for the fact that i would be giving up a huge part of my planned life for him....

the truth is that i have to keep telling myself all of this so i can actually breathe...