be kind

i truly believe this. i hope that each and every day i am reminded of this. the truth is that we do not know everyone and everyone's story. we come into contact with so many people each day (assuming we leave our house) and yet we never think that maybe they are having a difficult time. we are so quick to judge that the quiet girl that is checking your groceries is unfriendly, when really maybe she just lost a loved one or maybe she is stressed about a number of things. there are so many things that effect us on any given day. there are days that i have where nothing is exactly terribly wrong, but nothing is necessarily going right. on those days i would appreciate a friendly smile or a simple "how are you?", it would make a huge difference. sometimes all people need to get through a bad day is to know that someone is thinking/caring about them. so i hope i can remember this daily. maybe if everyone thought about this daily the world would be a more peaceful place? maybe that is just my wishful thinking..... either way, i am going to take into consideration that everyone i come in contact with may be having a rough time and may just need a friendly smile. this is my attempt to make the world a better place.

thankful for:

my amazing family - they have always been so incredibly supportive and i know that no matter where i am in life they will always be there, no matter what. it is unbelievably comforting to know they will always be there

my friends - they are always there when i need them

riley - i have always known that she has been dependent on me, without me she really wouldn't be able to survive, but lately i have realized just how dependent i am on her. seeing her wiggle with excitement when i see her makes the worst day better.

my mother - she is my life. she sometimes drives me crazy but she is absolutely amazing. i admire that woman more than she will ever know. it is solely because of her than i am where i am today. she has given me unbelievable opportunities. anything i have ever wanted to do in life she has helped me figure out how to do so. she has been my voice of reason. she brings me back to reality by telling me the things i don't want to here, and although i hate to admit it, in time i find that she is always right. i love her, my life would be a mess without her!

LIFE - in general

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

"breathing is a foreign task"

the truth is - it's over. this is over and i need to move on. i keep telling myself over and over again. this is the right thing to do. if this is the right thing to do why is it hard to breathe? it literally hurts my heart to breathe!

its a number of things. one, i care. i really care. i don't want to not have him in my life but it hurts too much to have him in my life. which hurts more? i'm not really sure... for now i just know that this is the best thing. at least while we both sort things out. he is not making progress while we keep going around in circles and the truth is, i am becoming someone who i do not, and never want to be. i have never been one to wait around for someone to call, or even cancel plans on my friends just because he wants to see me after being MIA for two weeks! i don't want to be that! i have been pathetic. i have become a door mat for him to walk all over. i am there for him whenever and however he needs me and he has never really been there for me. and when he asks, when have i needed him and when has he told me 'no'...?? the truth is that there has never really been a time that i called and he wasn't there, but i have never turned to him when i was in need. there hasn't necessarily been something absolutely awful, but it's the little things. that fact that when i am having a bad day, he isn't there to talk to. when things aren't going okay, i just need a hug or an "its okay i care" and i have never gotten that!

even if things were to work out. even if we sort things out there is still one big problem...he is older. which is not necessarily the problem, but since he is older i am certain he is ready to settle down sooner than i have always planned on. the problem being - i would be giving up a lot in order to settle down before i have planned on. this wouldn't be a big deal if he was the "man of my dreams" and it wouldn't be a problem if i knew that he even cared! the fact is that i am almost certain that he cannot, will not, and isn't even capable of loving me enough to make up for the fact that i would be giving up a huge part of my planned life for him....

the truth is that i have to keep telling myself all of this so i can actually breathe...

"i was a dreamer before you went and let me down"

say you're sorry
that face of an angel comes out
just when you need it to
as i pace back and forth all this time
cause i honestly believed in you
holding on,the days drag on
stupid girl
i should have known, i should have known

that i'm not a princess
this ain't a fairytale
i'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
lead her up the stairwell
this ain't hollywood,
this is a small town
i was a dreamer before you went and let me down
now its too late for you and your white horse,
to come around

baby i was naïve,
got lost in your eyes
i never really had a chance
my mistake, i didn't know to be in love
you had to fight to have the upper hand
i had so many dreams about you and me
happy endings;now i know

cause i'm not your princess
this ain't a fairytale
i'm gonna find someone, some day
who might actually treat me well
this is a big world
that was a small town
there in my rearview mirror
disappearing now
now its too late for you and your white horse
to catch me now




"go to paris. let's not pretend to be something that we're not..."

"and just like that i untied myself from mr. big. i was free. but there was nothing exquisite about it"

gravity

something always brings me back to you
it never takes too long
no matter what i say or do
i'll still feel you here 'til the moment i'm gone

you hold me without touch
you keep me without chains
i never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love and not feel your reign

set me free, leave me be
i don't want to fall another moment into your gravity
here i am and i stand so tall, just the way i'm supposed to be
but you're on to me and all over me

you loved me cause i'm fragile
when i thought that i was strong
but you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone


i live here on my knees
as i try to make you see that you're
everything i think i need here on
the ground
but you're neither friend nor foe
though i can't seem to let you go
the one thing that i still know is that you're keeping me down

motivation to move on...

"people don't remember what you say, they remember how you make them feel"



note to self: "i'm sorry" doesn't mean anything if actions do not prove it


"i got tired of waiting, wondering if you were ever coming around. my faith in you is fading..."

all this time i was wasting hoping you would come around
i've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down
and its taking me this long but baby i figured you out
and you think it will be fine again but not this time around

you don’t have to call anymore
i won’t pick up the phone
this is the last straw
don’t want to hurt anymore
and you can tell me that you’re sorry
but i won’t believe you like i did before
you’re not sorry

looking so innocent
i might believe you if i didn’t know
i could have loved you all my life
if you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold
you got your share of secrets
and i’m tired of being last to know
and now you’re asking me to listen
cause its worked each time before

but you don’t have to call anymore
i won’t pick up the phone
this is the last straw
don’t want to hurt anymore
and you can tell me that you’re sorry
but I don’t believe you baby like I did before
you’re not sorry

you use to shine so bright
but I watched all of it fade

so you don’t have to call anymore
i won’t pick up the phone
this is the last straw
there’s nothing left to beg for
and you can tell me that you’re sorry
but i won’t believe you baby like i did before

finding comfort

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” [Psalm 34:18].

men DO NOT change - especially if they don't want to

"even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there"

he doesn't want to change. this all became so clear last night, so clear it is making me sick to my stomach. he doesn't want to change!!! it became apparent while listening to him talk lat night about all the destructive things he has been doing. all these things that make him who he says he doesn't want to be. these decisions are not positive, they are not restoring his faith....

as long as he keeps this up he is not going to change, as long as he doesn't change and become who he wants to be he will not be with me! we will not have a normal relationship, we will keep playing this game. i don't want that, i am tired. he isn't changing because he doesn't want to change!! if he doesn't want to change than why am i WASTING my time???

giving in

"my mind was screaming how angry i was. but my heart, my heart..."