shame on me

"i felt like a fool. i had gone so far out on a limb with my feelings that i didn't realize i was standing out there alone.."

i'm here again. i am exactly where i never want to be. i really thought it was going to be different this time. i let myself go more than i ever should have, after all i have kept this wall up with him for so long, why did i think it was okay to let it down this time?

i'm so angry. why did he let it even get this far, no, why did i let it get this far? i should have known him better than that. i should have known that this was only once again, him needing me and me caving in. what did i get from this last week? absolutely nothing! seriously, nothing but more heartache. all i got were memories of making dinner, and cuddling, and waking up to him - the memories that will literally eat me alive later! and what did he get? exactly what he wanted, someone to fill his void for the time being. someone to build him up and make him feel better about himself just so he can go and abandon me again!!

why is it that allow someone so many chances? shouldn't one (maybe two) be enough!?!? why do i feel like every time something will change? maybe if i put in just a little more effort this time will work. who am i kidding!?! he is who he is...and i am obviously not adequate enough to be what who he is wants...